The Five Venoms (1978).
Dubbing sucks. Translations suck. Because it means that despite being called The Five Venoms, everyone in this movie resolutely refers to The Poison Clan. And we all know that venom and poison are two different things, right? Excellent. Now that’s out of the way we can get on with the rest of this review.
Once upon a time there was a great master of kung fu. He had a friend once, who left with great riches that he was somehow bound never to spend. Then the great master trained five outstanding students: Snake, Centipede, Toad, Scorpion and Lizard.
Each became masters of their own chosen discipline: Snake, of sliding along on his back in defiance of gravity: Centipede, of hitting plates really quickly as someone dropped them on his head: Toad, being invincible: Lizard, being able to stand on the walls: and last but not least Scorpion, who, erm, I’m sure had a special skill too but I can’t quite remember it now. Something about breaking jars? Anyway, they all grew up and left.
The great master got old and took on a sixth student, who as far as I can tell, was trained badly and mostly used as a carer. And then the great master died, after telling his last student to go and find the old man with the money, and then find all his previous students to check that none of them were evil. Except he doesn’t know their names. Or what they look like.
The secret passphrase? “Poison Clan rocks the world!”
Go on. Watch it. You know you want to. I rather liked it.