Feeders 2: Slay Bells (1998).
So I’ve talked before during reviews about the fact that I have a bit of face blindness. It means that I do funny stuff like be proud that I recognised an actor from one movie in another movie when they are playing a different character and then it turns out to be someone super famous like Tom Hardy (yeah, I did that). Or say “that looks like a young James Earl Jones” and someone else carefully says “it is a young James Earl Jones” (yeah, I did that too).
So we were watching Feeders 2 and it screwed my head up totally. Not because Santa had a fricken’ laser gun (and was totally in this movie). Not because of the return of the
demon cake pops unstoppable aliens from the first movie. Not because the main hero seemed to be able to see as well without his glasses as with them (that’s perfectly possible but for someone who has been shortsighted for much of her life, feels like a continuity red flag if I’m honest). Not because of the interminable scenes in which gifts were wrapped. Not even because the fab team at Rifftrax honoured us with their additions to this masterpiece. And totally not because Feeders ended with multiple city destruction across the entire eastern seaboard if not the globe but all of that seemed to have been retconned into nothingness.
It’s because I was convinced that the actor who played the lead role in Feeders 2 (character name Alan) was exactly the same actor who had played one of the joint lead roles in Feeders (character name Bennett). And so I couldn’t dissociate Bennett’s untimely death in Feeders from Alan’s happy existence in Feeders 2. We actually had to pause the movie and The Husband looked it up on imdb.
“Nonsense-smonsence,” he said (or words to this effect), “the main role in Feeders 2 is Mark Polonia and Bennett was played by his brother John Polonia. Totally different person!”
But my brain. It told me otherwise. And since we watched this, it has plagued me. And when I sat down to write this review I spent quite some time checking, because it looked like he was right.
And he was right.
And I was also right.
They were twins.
….oh, the movie review. Yes.
Look, if you want to make a movie, you go make a movie. Don’t let anyone stop you. Don’t care about things like believability, and whatever you do don’t let the lack of budget stop you cramming as many special effects in as you possibly can. If you want to sing, sing. If you want to dance, dance. If you want to make a movie, make a goddamn movie. Whenever they say you can’t, take the t off. Whatever you make is unlikely to be as bad as this movie is – and yet… and yet… it is still not as bad a movie as The Crimes of Grindelwald.