Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019).
I am stoic in the face of disaster, calamity, broken ankles, major seizures and actual death. I am not afraid of the dark or the fog or anything in either. I just get on with stuff.
I am however also a total wuss when it comes to screen horror. A jump scare? Yeah, that’s me physically recoiling and making a little ‘ah’ sound. To be fair, I don’t react well to real life jump scares either – stop hiding behind the kitchen counter you know who you are. In 1999 I could only watch the original Silent Hill console game being played by sitting behind the person playing it, while hugging a pillow, and needing to leave the room to breathe on a regular basis. House on Haunted Hill from 1959 still gives me the creeps. The original The Grudge (2002) terrified me. And The Haunting of Hill House (2018) gave me the outstanding creeps for absolutely weeks.
This movie, however, was not scary in the slightest. It was beautiful and lush and had a great pace and a delightful couple of twists and well acted and had all the right component parts of a scary movie. But it was not scary. I did not jump. I was not surprised at any of the twists. It was like a lemon drizzle cake without any lemon. Quite perplexing.