If you’re having vampire problems
You gotta use that heroin
Burn it up and the smoke will be mellowing
Tip off the drug police on a jaunt
There’s a ghost woman here to haunt
Until she gets to consummate
With her vampire husband date
He’s got a beast face
Oh stay out of the sun
99 problems and that ghost ain’t one
…and I honestly can’t face doing the rest of the song in the same style, mostly because the movie isn’t worth the effort. Let’s put it this way, the illustration on the movie posters of the Robo Cop armour is very generous. Very generous indeed.
Also, there is no Robo Vampire. There is some kind of tough guy who is turned into a Bargain Discounts Robocop after his untimely death, and there is a vampire with a monster face that is enslaved to a drug lord’s mysterious priest. There is also definitely the lady ghost who was the wife of the vampire in life and wishes to be married to him again now.
The big side bar of the DVD cover would have me believe this was a martial arts movie but I’m not going to give this review that tag because it’s totally not the most memorable thing.
It is quite bewildering and I’m glad that the good folk over at RiffTrax have been kind enough to try and help us to understand it.