When I was a kid there were 2 TV channels and every Christmas, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom would be on. I haven’t seen it since. Until today…
So this was a riffed version of the movie – you know, a movie with extra commentary provided mocking it to varying degrees – but it was still pretty shocking. It’s 7.6 on IMDb (at the time of writing) and our eternal benchmark movie Lake Placid is currently 5.7. Something seems not quite right in the world of subjective scoring.
Our intrepid hero, a young and gorgeously suave Harrison Ford that had me staring at the screen and dreamboating quite often, starts the movie seemingly by illicitly trading some kind of artifact for a diamond. Except it goes wrong and he ends up seemingly kidnapping a female singer. Her name is Willie Scott. I don’t know why. Maybe it was funny in the 1980s. One daring escape later they end up escaping from a plane crash in the mountains by using a life raft to sledge down the mountains and then some river rafting later, Indy, Willie, and the kid sidekick hilariously named “Short Round” (he’s not even round!) end up in rural India.
No, I’m not explaining why, you’ll have to watch it yourself.
Indy must act the white saviour for the villagers. He must fetch a sacred stone, previously stolen from their village shrine. Oh, and as an afterthought… all their children too. Nearly forgot to mention that one!
They go on a long curated trip on elephants to a palace. The journey long and cumbersome, mostly because the main female lead is written as a complete whiny beee-atch. To be fair, I’m still quite sure she was kidnapped and assaulted against her will, I’d whine if that were the case too. Then they find the eponymous Temple.
And yes, there is some Doom.
More long and cumbersome scenes follow. There’s an unlikely but inevitable romance. Some obligatory ‘orphan kid makes good’ couple of sequences, and, dear me, an absolutely interminable mine cart rollercoaster sequence.
Of course, Indy wins the day, saves the woman, returns the sacred stone (and all the children) and generally is the hero all over. It’s a shame that it’s a whole movie with maybe 4 reeeeeeeeeeaaaaallllyyyyyyy long scenes. In conclusion, don’t forget she was kidnapped.
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